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idontknowwhattodo [06 Nov 2004|01:06pm]
`` I don't know what to say... ``

Doesn't it make you sick? That feeling in the air like time just keeps going and you still can't figure out the meaning of life? I feel... alone. And yet, not alone. I feel happy and sad. I miss my friends... All of them. I miss smiling. I miss my family... The way it used to be when we'd all go out to dinner... And now, it's just a broken shell of a family that's too busy for one another. Or maybe it's just me that's too busy... But even if I was home, none of that would change.

I honestly feel like the well being of my family is higher when I'm not in the house. I mean, when I'm there, I'm arguing or fighting or just being mean. I can't stand living there. Somehow,I manage to never be home, though, and that works for me. If it works, I'm gonna do it.

I feel like I'm alive, again. Like I was dead and I just now woke up.. ``Somebody save me from the nothing I've become.`` And here I am...

Wrapped in his arms, biting my tongue on words I shouldn't ever say again. I thought I learned my lesson... But is this the truth I've been waiting for? Is this the revelation I've been dying for?

... Maybe I'm just crazy...

I don't ever want to fall in love again.

Maybe it's too late.

`` Take your hatred out on me... ``
3 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

letsgetstupid [02 Nov 2004|03:06pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

So I'm writing an entry in this journal simply to delay the process of homework. Grr.

Anyways. Today was actually okay until I came home. I rode the bus this morning with Bobby. I adore him. He makes me so happy. It's a really nice change. At school, things were pretty boring. I guess Brian asked Potato if I was dating that kid and Potato said he didn't know and Brian was like, "Well, you know I coulda tapped that! You know I had the chance!" HA. Just like when you asked me to suck your dick that one time and I said no! HA. Not my fault you don't get any and you sure as Hell aren't getting any here.

Ahem. Anyway. Danielle and Shawn broke up but now I guess they're talking again. Yeah.

Ericka is nice to me now but she's still mean to Danielle. Hmm, anyone, anyone? (jealous?) And just for the record, of all the people I know, I can name a few others that look more like a pig than her. Don't expect to play different cards and still keep positive outcomes.

Graphic Arts class sucks. Mrs. Clark was asking me about my hickies. Since when is that any of her business? PSH. Anyway.

Yeah. My uncle David died last night, I guess. I feel bad because he died really... well... Under bad circumstances. But my mom is being such a bitch. She's gonna force me to go to the funeral and I really don't want to go. At first, she wanted me to miss school to go. But we have finals. I flat out told her no. Now, she thinks I can go after I get out of school on Friday because we have a half-day. I don't feel comfortable there. Everyone's always crying and everything and I just sit there and waste my time and think about death and... well, get depressed. Yeah. And now, she's saying I can stay home and watch the babies. Fuck that. She can find someone else. You know I'm not gonna get paid adequately for that.

Yeah. PLUS I have Friday and Saturday off of work 'cause my birthday is on Monday! Yaaay. I'll be 17. Wish me happy birthday. Better yet, call me if you have the number... If you don't, ask. I gotta run... Other shit to do! <3 xo;

<3Bobby

4 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

everytimeifall... [06 Oct 2004|06:06am]
[ mood | cold ]

Recent events have led me to believe that... well, this journal has been crowded with prying, trespassing eyes... Eyes I don't want to read. I'll update one last time for you. I'm getting new journals. For those of you that want the addresses, email me at ietmebieed@aol.com and ask -- I can put you all on my friends list, but don't add me back. I don't want my journals in any way accessible through my old friends list. Thanks.

Anyway, Ashley got the lead in the play. I'm so proud of her! I wish I would have gotten to try out... But what's more important? Work or a play? Next year... Yeah. Anyway. I don't know about Josh. He annoys me. I'm trying to break it off with him, but he's... difficult. I really like Brian. He's adorable and so sweet... But he has a girlfriend. I'm not gonna be the one pushing the envelope.

Danielle and Andy are dating, but who knows where that's going. She's so indecisive. I wish she would just relax and realize it's okay to date a guy you don't totally like... Because you're only 16 and you have the rest of your life to find someone as good as (better than) Chris... She's rushing it and making this huge deal. I'm so sick of this High School drama bullshit. We all need to grow the fuck up.

Homecoming in... like, two days! And I don't have a ticket. I don't even have enough money. I don't know what to do. I'll be pissed if it comes down to it and I don't have enough money... But, anyway.

School sucks. I have a cold. I can't find anything to wear. My mom is a stupid bitch. So is my dad. I hope this is what they were looking to find. Goodbye from this journal, ya'll. Remember, EMAIL ME! Or even leave a comment and I can email you! Thanks. Love ya'll. I kind of likethe new Good Charlotte song in a creepy way. Please, kill me, now.

This time of year always makes me sad. Andy said we're going to make my prom dress. I'm so excited!!! <33

xo;

1 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

letsgetitstartedinhere... [27 Sep 2004|12:12am]
[ mood | crushed ]

`` starless eyes for heaven's sake, but I hear you, anyway... ``

Wow. Lately, things have been crazy. Homecoming is soon. I can't wait. I found a dress. I'm uber-excited! It's got spaghetti straps and it's black and pretty stuff at the top and it's form-fitting and really short and... I'm barely going to have enough money for it. I don't have any money left to buy new shoes or stockings or get my hair or nails done... It kind of sucks. My mom isn't going to help me buy anything anymore. It makes me angry. I hate living here. Yeah. So... anyway. School sucks. What else is new? A kid I work with brought a gun to Auburn school. Idiot. I made out/messed around with Josh last night. Fun fun, I guess. Danielle and I hate working at Beef-A-Roo so much, we're looking for other jobs. My mom is being such a bitch. I hate her so much, right now. She's just... horrible right now. I haven't talked to anyone in a while.

Tonight, I hung out with Nick. It was fun. I haven't talked to him in so long. I really missed him. He's my favorite gay person... Except, maybe Chris. I miss Chris! :( I'm hoping for him! <3

Anyway... I've been really depressed lately. I feel really alone. But oh well, what else is new? School has a lot of homework. I feel like I have no time anymore. My values are so different, now, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know the person I've become... But change is good. I needed it. I still do. I'm sick of being in love with someone that hates me... And so, I'm not anymore. I've worked at it for the past few months and I can honestly say that I don't love him anymore... It's so much easier to admit it... knowing he hates me. But it's still not any easier to admit that he hates me.

... I'm too depressed to be writing, right now. Goodnight.

`` I'm so tired of being here... Supressed by all my childish fears... And if you have to leave... I wish that you would just leave. 'Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone... ``

1 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

rendezvousthenimthrough... [24 Sep 2004|08:30pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

`` Watch me spin around into a beautiful oblivion... Rendezvous then I'm through with you! ``

Lately, things have just driven me crazy. I have no free time. I don't get enough sleep and I've got to keep my grades up... And now, I'm worrying about how I look. I guess... you could say Josh and I are dating. I mean, he holds my hand, he holds me, he gets so close to me... It's like suffocating, but I guess it's part of getting over Derrick. I'm going to freeze, my breath is going to stop, to choke... My body isn't going to respond the same way ever again.

Tonight, I was thinking about what I could do with my life. There's so much I can't explain... Or try. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to prove that I can do this... I can keep great grades, a job with 20 hour work weeks, go to school everyday, have a social life, have a boy... toy... And keep up with all of my friendships... And still go out and have fun. Lately, I've felt so relaxed... But at the same time, I feel really tense. As if my life is just... spiralling out of control. I've talked to so many people that have talked to me about Josh, about all the girls he's been with... I'm scared to death of that. I can't count them... I don't even know a quarter of them. It makes me kind of sick... I've fallen to a level I never thought I would sink to (not that it's nearly as bad as I thought), but... still. I miss being a virgin, being innocent, having such high, hopeful standards... I didn't realize everything was so... crazy. You know? My mom is completely crazy. This morning, I swear, she was gonna kill me and I didn't even do anything. What the fuck?

Everyone thought I looked hot today. It was nice. I don't normally wear skirts like that to school. Thank you, everyone, for all the compliments!

AHHHHHH! 6 days until Taking Back Sunday! -SCREAMS!!!!!!- IM SO EXCITED! IS ANYONE ELSE EXCITED?

OH. MY. GOD.

Who ELSE is going to My Chemical Romance, Story of the Year, Lost Prophets, Anberlin, and... someone else in Chicago on Saturday, October 16th? I WANT TO GO. ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO GO... SHOULD TALK TO ME. WOOT. Not that I officially have a car or not or whatever, but... whatever! I need to find a homecoming dress... But I have no time because I have to work ALL this weekend... And I feel like crying because I'm never going to get a nice dress. It makes me so angry. I wanted to go back to the mall and get that one dress... Sigh. I hope it's still there. UGHH. Wednesday, I'm gonna have to go to the mall and buy a dress with my check. Hopefully, I have enough. I know I don't have enough to get my hair done, but I do want my nails done and I need some cheap shoes. URGH. And some nylons. And... I dunno. I just don't know. I don't think I'll have enough money. Ugh... I feel so... bad. Just bad.

Oh yeah, and something's really wrong with me. I threw up when I woke up this morning... I think there may have been a drop of blood in it... But oh well. I don't know. I've felt really sick a lot... And I'm gaining weight. It's like I'm pregnant, but that's... impossible. Hopefully. Yeah. I've felt really sick this past week. I think I just need some time to relax. I feel... kind of burnt out. I miss Josh... But he makes me so nervous! (I think) I know he won't do anything I don't want him to... But I'm not taking any chances. I hate myself so much.

{ \ i will die by your hand ]

crossmyheartandhopeto... [21 Sep 2004|11:11pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

`` I'm lying just to keep you here. ``

People just drive me crazy... The way nothing is ever private or my own business without being someone else's. That was a high-school drama thing.

I bought Danielle a homecoming dress. I'm going with her this year. And now she has to go. I want to find a dress, too... But I can't find anything at all and it makes me so sad. UGHHHHH.

Josh and I... yeah. When I think about him when he's not there, I realize how bad of an idea this is... He's not great boyfriend material, you know? But when I'm with him, my mind is just full of admiration etcetera... Ugh. It drives me crazy. I want him to be mine... And no one else's. You know what I mean? I even want him to be mine in that weird, agressive way...

Erica Kholhorst stole some of my writing and put it up on her journal. I don't know what that's about. I'm kind of angry and kind of flattered. She used to hate my guts, but now, we're civil, I guess... I'm pissed she didn't give me any credit, though. All those people that read it are going to think she wrote it and those two pieces were some of my best work... I don't know what to think... Other than it's really funny.

I'm tired of being so stressed out. This is a lot of homework and I'm hearing bad things about honors history. I'm scared. I'm gonna go, though. I'm tired. And I'm stoned. This is great. I really like Josh... Damnit, I wish he would have kissed me.

3 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

andthebloodontheseat... [20 Sep 2004|10:55pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

`` this is more than i can take ``

Lately, work has sucked more than usual. School is tiring. Smoking. Josh values me more than just sex. I hope he goes to homecoming. I bought Danielle a homecoming dress. I'm excited for her. I <3 her. I <3 Josh. I miss him... I miss Andy, too.

I guess it IS nice to know that they 'REALLY care about me'. On top of that, I have a 105%in English Honors and a D in Forensic Science. I'm angry. Something is wrong with Nick. My mom is a huge bitch. Danielle's mom went scary last night. I hate it when she does that. I have no money. I have pink eye and a really nasty cold. I am just so pissed right now. I'm going to bed. This isn't worth wasting the time over.

Oh, and if you care so much, call me sometime. Sorry I missed your call, Nick, I was at work. What's wrong, sweety? <33 xo; I miss you!

{ \ i will die by your hand ]

wheniwokeupinacar... [13 Sep 2004|09:58pm]
[ mood | tired ]

`` chased away my thoughts so I could see the Mississippi on her knees... I've never felt so lost, I've never been so much in hope! Please write my folks and throw away my keys! I woke up in a car... ``

Yeah. What's gone on lately? Not much. Graphic Arts is the most fun. Danielle's mom is being a bitch on the phone right now. My mom has been a bitch, lately, too. Yeah, I think it's crazy mom week. No idea. I just took a shower. I feel good. I like Josh. I feel good. I'm sick of being looked down on because I smoke. My friends, I guess, think I'm losing myself and I'm more distant... They think it's the weed. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. But I'm so sick of being labeled... Even by people that thought they wouldn't. No offense to anyone, but this is the lifestyle I choose. Instead of being vague and stopping talking to me and blaming it on the weed, maybe you all should talk to me. Sorry I'm busy... I am busy a lot (I do have homework and I do have a job, you know!) and... I don't ever have any missed calls. So... Okay. I'm leaving it there. Everytime I write something like that, someone gets pissed and I get into a fight with someone. I refuse to fight with anyone... But if you've got a problem with my smoking, talk to me about it. I don't want to fight about it. I don't want any hard feelings about it. This journal entry is simply to try to bring about the best of things between everyone. I'm trying my best to be civil.

... Danielle's sister and her mom are fighting about a skirt that's at my house. Isn't that funny? XD lol. Anyway. Umm... I never remember first block. I hit a 5 footer today... Only half-full, though. It was so cool. I was the only one that didn't cough. I was so cool. Haha. That's it. Forensic Science sucks. I hate it. It's so... tedious!! Eww. ;x

2 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

i'msodirtybabe [12 Sep 2004|12:07pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

`` it ain't the money and it sure as hell ain't just for the fame! it's for the bodies I claim and those... only go so far... to bury this. so deep and down we go... ``

Lately, things have been hectic. Yeah, that's my life... Um... I worked 7 hours yesterday. The day before, I worked, too. I missed a lot of people's phone calls and then didn't call them back. There was no point. I already had plans... Plans that turned out to not work. And then last night, Danielle and I hung out with Andy and Josh, but not Ryan... lol. Yeah. Josh's girlfriend, Jenna, sits right in front of me in English and right beside me in the computer lab... So, yeah. Um.. ahem. She was talking to me on Friday and whatnot... And then I guess her and Josh argued? And then he was hanging out with me? And I'm scared to go back to school... But, anyway. God. I'm so sick of work. I hate working. I really do... Yeah. We got two new managers. Cortney is an airhead cheerleader. Ed is a gay man in his thirties. Tell me... Is there a better combination in the whole world of who should be directing the entire Beef-A-Roo night staff? lol...

Um, yeah. Gene likes me. I don't know about him. I do like him, but I don't know if I want a steady boyfriend, right now. I want to see someone, but not exclusively. Like... Josh. (Kevin is seeing someone else, but that's okay). I guess I could 'date' Josh and whatnot. I can see myself going into one of those relationships where I "date" that person... And we fuck. And then we stop seeing eachother. I know it's gonna happen and I'm really scared of getting into another relationship. Does that sound stupid? I'm scared to death of men... I'm so scared of men, right now. God, I hate myself...

And some things I hate myself so much for, I can't even admit them.

{ \ i will die by your hand ]

forthelasttime... [09 Sep 2004|10:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]

`` I held you close as we both shook... for the last time, take a good hard look! ``

What's been going on lately? Nothing. The other day, I rearended someone. I don't know if I already wrote this... Ugh. But the people said there was no damage and it was okay. I cried. I was so upset. And then I got written up that night at work for talking too much... God. Fucking bad day. And school started... That's not cool. I haven't been sober any day so far, though I have been sober later in the day at school. I've got okay classes, I guess. Right now, Danielle and I have all the same classes, but only two of them together. It's kind of creepy, really. lol. Anyway... My head hurts so bad. Eugene likes me, I guess. I don't know if I like him. I kind of like Josh and Kevin, too, so who knows? I don't know, I really don't. I think I should just stay single and date a few guys... You know?

Anyway... I haven't felt very close to anyone except Danielle, lately. I haven't really talked to anyone else. Nathan and I have stopped talking, now. I'm not going to call him anymore and I know he won't call me, either. Psh. So much for everything he said, right? I haven't talked to anyone, recently. Terry... I <3 Terry so much! He's so adorable! And...yeah. I'm so exhausted... I feel really sad right now. I don't really know why... I just feel kind of blah. My life is so flaky. I hate it that way...

Anyway... So, yeah. What should I do about the guy situation? I don't know exactly if anything else is going on... Who knows? It's so hard liking guys that know eachother and correspond regularly because it creates tension between them... And Josh's girlfriend, Jenna, sits in front of me in first block. It's kind of awkward. And I guess Josh says he catches me staring... Oops?

I'm going to sleep, now... Even though I have homework to do. I'm just too exhausted.

Oh, for anyone who can... Go download the song "I never told you what I do for a living" by My Chemical Romance. It is the BEST song ever. My favorite on their new CD (which I'm obsessed with -- I've had it since, like, May, and I STILL listen to it everyday!). I <3 MCR. We're (Danielle and I + TBA) are going to see Taking Back Sunday in Chicago on September 30th! Well, not officially, but we want to go... Yeah, I'm going. Goodnight. xo;

3 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

sopardonme... [05 Sep 2004|10:42am]
[ mood | crazy ]

`` so pardon me while I burst into flames ``

Tomorrow's the first day of school... And I have my Goddamned period. This is going to suck. I'm dreading it.

Yesterday was okay. We woke up, went to work, came home, smoked, went to work, came home and smoked...

But there's fillers.

On the way home from work the first time, I rear-ended the person in front of me on 173. They didn't want any info, no damage, they said. Thank God.

When I went back to work, I got a write-up for talking. Guess I won't be doing much of that anymore. Then I had to work with Steven, my least favorite person to work with... And now, I have to go to work again. I'm so sick of work. I really am. Anyway...

I wish more people would have come over last night. It was just Andy, David, Potato, Sean O'Rourke and Danielle and I. Ryan and Josh were supposed to come over but they blew us off. That's two days in a row. Oh well, though.

I bought a new bowl. It's uber-pretty! It's a girl's pipe, everyone says, but meh? I luffs it with my life.

Nick rolled. I want to so bad. I want to try. I really do.

I have to be to work in 15 minutes. I should go.

I'm going to have to shower when I get home, but after that, I want to smoke... Then, my cramps will go away. Everyone says it works. I want to try because my cramps are bad.

I hate my job. Anywhere hiring? Let me know, please. And I still really like Nathan and want him back. He called last night... Except, it was someone who called themselves "Hightops Kevin" and it was obviously Kiel, Ashly's boyfriend being uber-weird. I don't know. I'm acting uber-weird today. I have to go to work. I dread getting up from this chair. Yeah, I don't like John. I love Ashly. I miss her. She went to the waterfront last night, I think. I'm scared of the waterfront. I might see people I don't want to see there. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm done. I have no money left. I'm pissed. I bought a corset from Charlotte Russe. You have no idea exactly HOW COOL. Goodbye, dawlings.

1 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

bestfriendsmeans... [31 Aug 2004|02:55pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

`` Well, best friends means... ``

So much for that, eh? Heh. Well, that's okay. I'm not going to let this keep happening every 6 months to a year. We haven't fought in such a long time, but here it goes. And no one even bothered to tell me. Yeah... So, last night, she went out with some other people, I didn't call, whatever. Today, I called her while she was at work. She called back, we barely talked. And then I went over to her house without telling her... And I walk through the door and I can tell immediately that Danielle was talking to Bailey about me. Hah. Well, thanks. And then, they make plans. I talk to Bailey and she's being weird, like she doesn't want to talk to me... And then she asks to talk to Danielle. Eventually, they get off the phone after making plans with eachother and whatnot. And so, I just get up and walk towards the door and she just goes, "You leavin'?" And I just say yeah, and she just goes, "Bye." I slammed the car door and sped off.

Who the Hell does she think she is? I'm so angry right now, I can't even tell you. That's alright. This just makes me realize that we're not half as close as I thought we were... This makes me regret the fact that I ever let her get as close as I did. This is the second time she's turned around on me and just, for no reason, been angry. She must be angry because of what I wrote in my journal, even though she pretended not to. Well, you know what, I'm sick of this. I'm so sick of people just stabbing me in the back. I'm so sick of it. This is the end of what used to be 'best friends'. Fuck you.

`` I started something I couldn't finish. If we go down, we go down together... Best friends means. Well, best friends means! ``

`` Well, tell me, are you happy now? ``

4 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

fiveoclock... [30 Aug 2004|11:50pm]
`` the floor caught fire! ``

Ahahaha! John and I are hanging out tomorrow which is so totally awesome! <333333 I'm so excited! We just talked for 9 minutes! Dude, that's, like, the longest ever! I'm so eeeek about it! It's way cool! I sound like a total valley girl. We haven't hung out in such a long time. He's been really busy and I have to work tomorrow, but he's going to call me and we're going to hang out, so that's very cool! I'm excited... What should I wear? Damnit all, I have nothing to wear. I'm gonna look so ugly... Ugh. I'm scared.
{ \ i will die by your hand ]

filledwithresentment... [30 Aug 2004|11:11pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

`` i have been happier since... ``

For some reason, I just feel really irritated. Danielle's comment on my other journal after my self-comfident entry just made me feel so much worse... I was so happy earlier today because of the progress I have made within myself and my past... It just kind of... pisses me off that no one thinks to comment on anything but what I said about themselves. A simple "and wow, I'm happy you're doing so well" would've been nice. But oh well. She'll get over it just like I will and move on and pretend it never happened, just like always.

Tonight, I went out with David, Potato, Ted and Carrie. We went to David's. It was cold outside. At 8:45 we took Carrie home and hung out at Bobby's house. Then we came home and here I am. Yeah. We didn't smoke or anything. Oh well. It's okay. Today was actually kind of boring. Danielle is out with Stephanie H. and I think she's with Ryan 'cause I saw Ryan in his car when I was at a stoplight in David's car and I banged on the window to try to get his attention, but he didn't see me and he was going towards Steph's house, so, I just assume. I dunno. I hope they had fun. Stephanie leaves for Germany really soon. I'd be way too scared. Then again, I'd never want to go to Germany... But that's just my personal preference. If it was New Zealand or something, maybe I'd go. I don't know.

Anyway... Yeah, so I'm feeling really good about myself, lately. I don't know why. I'm letting go of some things that were dragging me down really bad... And it feels great. Of course, I'm really upset that Nathan doesn't seem to want to talk to me.. But yeah. I miss him a lot and I'll admit to wanting him back but expecting nothing... But it's okay. Anyway... Yeah. Carlos has been really... flirtacious with me, lately... I feel so pretty when he compliments me because he's... I don't know. I've just got him on a pedestal. Who knows? I guess David can't get along with his girlfriend's friends... LOL. AND he got fired from the job he had. That's hilarious. How do you get fired when you're working for your dad's friend? I dont know what I'm talking about, I got fired working for my dad's friend... lol!

Yeah... so that's about it. I'm bored and alone and irritated. Yeah. That's it. I thought I had a lot more to say... Guess I didn't.

1 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

sayyouwon'tcare [30 Aug 2004|10:17am]
[ mood | irritated ]

`` retrace the steps as if we forgot, say you won't care... ``

Yeah... So what has gone on lately? Work... work and more work. I feel like I'm married to my job almost as much as I'm married to Danielle... Right now, she's just driving me insane. I have the light on and she's trying to sleep and she's acting bitchy about it, like... And I'm making noise typing. It just annoys me that she is annoyed... I don't know. I have to go to work at 11... I'm so angry. I hate work!

Yesterday, Danielle and I got up and went to work. We went to the mall. Cherryvale, with David and Potato and then we left and went and got Ashly, went back to the mall, got Starbucks at Barnes and Noble (the mall was closing) we went to Best Buy, Borders, and Hooters... It was okay. Then we came home, Andy came over and we smoked some... Then we hung out with Ryan, Josh, and Kevin. There was quite a few people at Kevin's that I didn't know. It was cool. I have to admit that Kevin's very attractive. I like his smile. It's probably just my super-deprived hormones, though. Anyway... I'm not as tired as I should be. I came home after a delicious milkshake last night and passed out on the couch and that's where I woke up at 6 am this morning. I hate sleeping on the couch. It pisses me off that I can't wake up enough to get into bed.

Um... I talked to Nathan last night for a really long time. I miss him so much. So very much... He's so nervous, though, I can tell. I don't think he wants to talk to me but I want to be friends with him, I want him to trust me the way only friends do... With nothing else. I just want him to understand why I did what I did and acknowledge the truth... That I didn't mean to hurt him and it wasn't intentional. I don't know... Out of every guy in my life, right now, Nathan is the one I want the most... But everyone thinks I'm stupid for wanting him, I know they do. Danielle just plain thinks I'm stupid for wasting my time, I think... Maybe she's got the idea. I don't think anything is going anywhere with him... He talks to me so much more... dead... Than anyone else. He talks fine with Danielle and Ashly; his voice changes... But he's quieter, more fake with me... I want him and I'm going to try... What have I got to lose?

`` Go on just say it (are you afraid to --), you need me like a bad habit! (Tell me you want to, tell me you want to!) ``

... I won't give up until he tells me himself there's no hope. It can take a year before he gives me anything and I'm still just going to talk to him and hope we can be friends... I think we need to be friends for a while. We never really were... I wish I wasn't so dumb. I hate myself so much for what I did to him... But I hated myself long before I ever gave him the shattered remnants of his heart in a napkin.

I really miss him... But I have no idea what to do.

I'd do anything.
{ \ i will die by your hand ]

sayyessayyessayyes [27 Aug 2004|02:37pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

`` so pace the stairs to your apartment like that's where you want to be ``

What's gone on lately? Not much. Last night, Danielle and I hung out with Andy Kaucheck. Watched the Purple Show. Then we went with Ryan and Josh, smoked, watched the storm. Ryan left, Josh, Danielle, and I went to Danielle's... The power went out so we took Josh home and went to my house. Crashed. I had to work at 11... I came home and Danielle was gone. I called her, she didn't answer. Oh well. She's probably out with someone else. We probably won't be handing out tonight, either, 'cause I want to go to the Spindle show at Minglewood and only Jenny and Potato want to go... So, whatever. Everyone's kind of blowing it off. Oh well. Have fun.

I got the new TBS CD. It's awesome (but I already knew that!). I'm going to get my nipples pierced and get the tattoo I want... Without my mom's permission! Ah! I'm so nervous, but I really want to get it done. I've still got to design my tattoo. When I do that, I will take a picture of it and put it on my journal so you can all see! I think I might get, `` if i can choose, it's only you, beautiful `` put on my lower back with some scrolly things... That's my song and it's meant for someone specific... But, yeah, anyway.

I just checked my phone and it was Josh. He left a voicemail. I'm listening to it right now. He thinks I have to work until 8 'cause I forgot to change my voicemail message. LOL. Anyway... I'm gonna leave another one. Yeah... I'm leaving a new one! Yaay. So who else is glad we're not in school or at least doesn't mind? Because everyone I talk to wants to go back but I don't... I don't know.

Lately, everyone has I usually spend time with has been annoying me. I wish plans would just work out. It seems like everyone else is constantly busy with another part of their life and I'm just... blah. Bailey's got her boyfriend who she spends a lot of time with, Jen is sort of alone but spends a lot of time with David, Potato and David, Ashly and Kiel, Danielle and whatever flavor of the week it is now... I don't know. I don't have a boy or a true love interest in my life anymore. I feel kind of like I don't even have a best friend... I've become a little more introverted lately. I don't know... My life is so unstable. I never know what's going on or who's going where or where I'm even going... and that drives me insane. I miss the days when I had a stable boyfriend, a stable best friend or two, a stable relationship with everyone... With my mom and just... myself. But right now, I'm just completely crazy. Nothing is working on, nothing is... calm. Everything has gotten so complicated... Boys and friends and money and drugs and plans and school... I can't deal with the people... I just can't.

I miss Nathan. That's what this all really boils down to. At the time, things were just as hectic as they are now, really... but with him there, things were so much more... I don't know. They were easier to handle... He was always so supportive, always so... strong. He was stability and care and protection in my life... Something I desperately needed after the complications of David and all the pain... I needed something simple and more basic and just all around more comfortable... And I had it in the palm of my hand and there is went, gone, broken, dead... I need to just get over everyone in my life. I don't have a very true best friend that I'm comfortable with all of the time, I don't have someone to love, I don't have parents that care... I don't have anything I used to dream of and used to have... Heh, what else could I possibly fuck up? (The question is what else WILL I fuck up?) I guess I'm gonna go... I'm feeling really alone right now.

`` it's never bad enough to just leave or give up... but it's never good enough to feel right. ``

3 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

asifweforget [26 Aug 2004|03:29pm]
[ mood | content ]

`` say you won't care ``

Got up after sleeping on Danielle's couch all night. Went to work, 11-2. Here I am, online, wasting time. I go back to work 5-8... Yeah. I'm starving.

Last night was fun. Danielle, Potato, Jen, Andy Kaucheck (sorry, I know that's spelled wrong), Ryan, Josh, and David all smoked weed... It was fun. Yeah. Everybody steadily left after a while... I should've come home or at least slept in a bed, but I always pass out so hard when I'm high. I fall asleep and then, I'm just... dead. Ugh. I'm feeling it today. I'm super tired.

Yesterday, I got trained on the register at work... and BOBBY trained me! It was about a half hour-45 m inutes of heaven, however uncomfortable. Nothing's happening, however much Danielle thinks he flirts with me. He doesn't like me and that's okay. It doesn't stop me from liking spending time with him. Haha.

Today is Nathan's birthday. I called him and wished him a happy birthday from my new phone... He sounded so happy. I guess I miss him a lot more than I like to admit. I wish... I don't know. I don't want to waste my breath. I have to go see if I can steal some money from my mom to get some food. Fare thee well.

{ \ i will die by your hand ]

canibeyours a v i or ? [23 Aug 2004|05:03pm]
[ mood | drained ]

`` everything's gonna crash and break ``

An interesting procession of days... a procession of emptiness, really. I got grounded for having two of my brother's Adderol.. Oh well. I'm not really grounded; I still leave the house and do whatever I want. I had a rough night the other night... I got drunk, high, and did some other stuff. It was okay.. I don't know. I'm gonna sneeze. Bless me. I hung out with Josh Capovilla yesterday, just me and him for a while. He's okay, really, he is. He annoys me sometimes, and other times, he's okay. We were with Stephanie Huckleberry, Ryan Hill, Alana Lingleboth or whatever her name is, David Black, this kid from Michigan named Fernando, and a couple other people I didn't really know. Um... Not much happened. Smoked some weed. I ended up going home at, like, 2 in the morning... Umm... I went shopping with Danielle, today. She got all sorts of cool stuff. I helped her pick out this cool little school-girl outfit, thing. It's a grey and pink plaid skirt, a white button down, some white leg warmers and some black shoes. She'll look adorable. She got some pants and a couple other things, too. We're going to a concert, tonight at the Forest Hills Lodge. Man Made Man and Bleeding Through are going to be there. Hopefully, some other cool kids will be rockin' there. Yeah... Umm... Anyway... I wore the coolest outfir, today. My pirate shirt (it's white, button down, ruffles at the neck) and my brown Victoria's Secret corset over top. It looked awesome.

Yeah, I guess Alana was asking Danielle why I "wear such weird clothes" and "does she think other people like it?" or something. I guess Danielle bitched her out... I wasn't there to hear it, but it kind of ticked me off. What the fuck? What does it matter what kind of clothes I wear? Does it really affect your life that much? I mean, c'mon, grow up! Get over it! If you think other people don't like what I'm wearing and you think I'm only wearing this stuff for attention, then stop fucking giving me the attention I want. People just irk me... I mean, seriously, do you really have nothing better to do other than analyze other people's clothes? You'd think sicne I'm the weird outcast one that they'd be too good to talk to me. Who knows. Anyway, Stephanie H. is pretty cool, even though she can be mean. But who can't? She was bitching Ericka out. It was kind of funny. She's so cynical. Anyway... That's about it, I think. John called, but I was at a party the other day. We never hung out. Oh well... School's on strike, yay! And I finally found my damn schedule! lol!

Term 1:
1st. English 11 Accelerated // K Leix
2nd. Forensic Science // M Moore
3rd. 3-D Design 1 // A Agustsson
4th. GYM

Term 2:
1st. English 11 Accelerated // K Leix
2nd. Film and Literature // C Anderson
3rd. Darwing Techniques // A Agustsson
4th. GYM

Term 3:
1st. Algebra 2 // E Cook
2nd. Multimedia Press I - Hyperstudio // P Weiss
3rd. Career Developement // P Littrell
4th. US History Accelerated // C Zapke

Term 4:
1st. Algebra 2 // E Cook
2nd. Multimedia Press II - Web Page // J Voltz
3rd. Computer Art Photoshop // B Kurilla
4th. US History Accelerated // C Zapke

Well, that's it. Hopefully, I'm getting the Hyperstudio and Web Page taken out 'cause I don't want to take it anymore and I'm not too fond of the 3-D Design, either. Anyway... Who knows? I guess I'm done. I feel really... tired.

1 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

singittothetuneof.... [19 Aug 2004|09:56am]
[ mood | blah ]

Hey. Wow... Um... I ended up getting really sick after my last entry. I puked and had this horrible migraine and called in to work! Man, I made $135 this past paycheck! It was rad. At Khols, I bought this turquoise-like shirt that I <3 and these two pairs of jeans that were buy one, get one free. So, yeah... That was $66. And then something else that was $15. And then some good, which totalled, like, $10. UGH. I wanted to buy a shirt from Hot Topic, but I have no money left. I'm so sick of these paychecks not being a lot. What with school starting soon and all, I'm not going to make any money whatsoever. It pisses me off. Anyway.

Last night, Danielle and I wenr with Ryan and Josh and smoked and drove around and sat in Josh's room. John hasn't called me in, like, 4 days. I haven't called him, either, though. Anyway... I'm realy tired. Bobby from work knows I like him. I guess he's a big pothead (or so Michael says) and he doesn't like me... So, I'm definitely not going to be looking at him anytime soon. Kind of embarrassing... Anyway...

I have to be to work at 11. And then, I have to go back at 5. I wanted to go to the fair with Danielle and Ashley and see the picture she took of me in the contest... It would have been so cool! Anyway, I think that's about it. I'm worried about Carlos, he hasn't been around much... Hmm. Well, I've got to run. Fare thee well...

xo;mandolyn

5 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

i'vebeendeniedallthebestultras e x [15 Aug 2004|11:17pm]
[ mood | high ]

`` I've been denied all the best ultra sex! ``

That song is stuck in my head. My typing comes to me slowly, now. My limbs can't keep up with my mind. I feel as though I've written a ton when I have only written a little.

This night was fun. David, Potato, Nick, Danielle, and I smoked. It was great. And cloves... And this funky, techno music. It just makes me want to move. Heh....

And so I guess I don't have much to say. I talked to John, today. He's so adorable. I just love him. John. Heheh... He's so pretty. I just want to kiss him! Anyway, I want something to eat. My head hurts really bad... I have to work tomorrow... I'm kind of tired. Ugggh. Okay... I think this entry is done. Uuugh. Having my period sucks!

1 // if it makes you less sad { \ i will die by your hand ]

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